I’d need to put a lot of effort in to lose myself. This is not to say that I couldn’t lose myself if I wanted to. I really could. Many times in my life I have been lost. Not physically lost like the time I couldn’t find the train station in Granada. It was dark. I did find a train station. The closed train station. The one the city had left to weeds. Which was inhabited by anarchists. They offered me beer, bread, and avant garde theatre. Probably it was just anarchist theatre. If you must know: there was a zebra in the play. Not an actual zebra or a person dressed as a zebra or even a sign that that read “cebra” to make it obvious to the audience that a zebra was a part of the play. Still, there was a zebra in the play. I was not lost in that way that night.
I stay inside a lot. Inside of rooms. Inside of myself. Sometimes when I am outside of rooms and in the world, it still feels like rooms. For example: when I am in Florida, it is a room named Florida. There are walls and that is the distance. There is a ceiling, too. I hope I don’t need to tell you what the ceiling is called. Anyhow, I stay inside a lot. Sometimes there are windows to other rooms. They speak and mostly I listen. I hope I don’t need to tell you what windows are called.
note about finding things the way they should be: I am never sure: if they should even be found a particular way: this is not about: finding a dead human body: I have never found a dead human body
note about finding a dead human body: I have friends to tell me those stories: sometime I will tell their stories to you
note about stories from friends: a friend hid in the bushes: that was their story: told a few times: another friend: had a story about how she had sex with a bank robber: the sex happened before he robbed a bank: after he became a bank robber: the story went like so: they had sex in a lake: then: the end: before however: it was just sex: the location wasn’t mentioned: before his name was bank robber: his name was Mark: as far as I know: he is still at large
note about evil: after dinner: in the dark: on the screened deck: no one wanted to bother with lighting a fire: it was already hot: we were already lit by our phones: someone shared a post from their feed: the post: “Has anyone else noticed that L-I-V-E spelled backwards is E-V-I-L?”: we went around in a circle: making sure everyone: even if they had forgotten: had at some point noticed
note about trapping a rabbit: I was led to a field: far behind the trees you can see from the road: the grass was short: my guide claimed no one mowed the grass: the point: rabbits are known to visit the field: my guide needed a birthday present: my point: I had to catch a rabbit: not with my hands: with a live trap: my guide asked me to set the live trap and catch a rabbit: I looked for the warren: rabbit paths: clues: bones: tail fur: I set the cage in a place: I was unsure: about the place: about a wild rabbit as a birthday gift: we waited ten minutes: then ten more minutes: my guide questioned my ability to capture rabbits: I suggested we try to set the trap in another spot: in the field: or my guide should consider a gift card: or stuffed rabbit: my guide explained how children have pet dreams: sometimes pet dreams are visions: my guide explained how we must fulfill his vision: how the rabbit will be white
note about returning from a long absence: of course: you want someone to mention your long absence: you want someone to express how they missed you: you want someone to notice the absence of your little left finger: you want someone to ask about the absence of your little left finger: really: you want someone to be too afraid to ask about the absence of your little left finger
note about what people ask: when you tell them you are considering converting a used school bus into a living space: won’t that be expensive to drive?: like for a blog?: what’s the mpg on a bus?: have you considered joining the national guard instead?: how will you shower?: like a drug dealer? like for a reality show? how will you lock the door?: like a child molester? won’t that cost a lot to upkeep?: how will you start a family?: have you given up?
note about encouraging the hobbies of others: my roommate likes glossy magazines: fashion and celebrity: she will show me pictures of: examples: Rihanna and I will say “oh hello”: and she will show me more pictures of Rihanna and I will say “oh hello” for each until there are no more pictures of Rihanna: or pictures of Jena Malone and I will say “oh hello”: and she will show me more pictures of Jenna Malone and I will say “oh hello” for each until there are no more pictures of Jenna Malone: or pictures of Emmy Rossum and I will say “oh hello”: and she will show me more pictures of Emmy Rossum and I will say “oh hello” for each until there are no more pictures of Emmy Rossum: and so on: and this goes on until my night alarm rings: my night alarm reminds me to sleep: even if I am not sleepy: before: before I learned about her hobby I would say “yeah” or “okay” when she showed me: examples: pictures of Aubrey Plaza: pictures of Emma Stone: pictures of Olivia Wilde: and she would not show me more pictures: because I “seem(ed) bored”: and then she would seem bored: somewhere else: in the apartment: the air changed: felt like bored air: I do not know how I stumbled upon saying “oh hello”: or how “oh hello” opens the door for her hobby: which in a way is now my hobby too: before: I recall trying “nice”: “whoa yeah”: “hmmm yeah”: “wowya”: “yolo”: “damnnnnn”
note about how this is an age when all kinds of dreams for all kinds of people now come true: example